Writing Assignment #3 Day 5

My Dear Lord Jesus Christ,
You know I believe you are my Lord and Savior, but our relationship has not been close, to say the least. I am hoping to work through these issues and maybe move to the Christian Track.

The first issue, is your relationship with my Mother. I know you know her very well. She sees you daily at mass, prays countless hours and dedicates her free time to serving you.

I also know that when Jon decided to join the Lutheran Church I was happy and hopeful. BUT my Mother was not. It's the Catholic way or the highway. When I tried to reach for you in the wrong way, my Mother quoted scripture and didn't not stop until I relented. I had to pretend like I was not going to the Lutheran Church to make her happy and shut her up.

I don't want this to be my excuse anymore. I do nothing to protect myself from doing something wrong. And in my Mom's eyes she would rather have me do nothing than something wrong.

Second, is the excruciating amount of time I spent in Catholic School and going to Mass. For a child with severe ADHD and anxiety an hour of gibberish took an eternity.

Going to Catholic school was a lesson in humiliation. I believe this is where my shame and low self esteem stemmed from. I wet the bed until I was 13 years old. There were no sleep-overs for me. The couple of times I tried ended in a pool of tears and humiliation. Worse is that we wore uniforms, typically you would have 1 or 2. My often smelled like urine. I was teased relentlessly for this.

In an effort to try to mediate my sorrow my Mother would switch me from school to school. I moved schools about 7 times. This left no room for building relationships with friends because either I left the school too quickly or it was discovered that I smell like urine.

Third and Finally, There is Jon. Lord I know you know him too. He is the polar opposite of my mother. He grew up Catholic just like I did, but he despises the Catholic Church. So here too, doing nothing is better than doing the wrong something.

Lord I pray that you help me work through these issues during this precious time of rehabilitation. I need your strength to rebuild my relationship with you.

Your Child,
Shanna

Letter to self - Assignment #1 Day 4

Dearest me,
I love you, I know sometimes you don't feel like I do, but I truly love you.

I don't want you to feel guilty or stupid because you didn't know what he was doing for 18 years. You thought you were always wrong because of mistakes you had made.  You trusted his judgement because you could not trust your own.

Please forgive yourself for turning a blind eye to the emotional abuse inflicted on the children. You were his favorite victim luckily.

In the beginning you didn't have time to think, reflect, or even question those little red flags. He says he loves you so much and he told me we were soulmates.

Then we married everything he did or said was perfect. It was as if he knew what I needed before I did, but then I gave him everything. Everything without question, empathy, loyalty, and love. ALL of me. All of the good kind parts that I would later regret giving away. BUT, there were quiet voices in my head telling me something was wrong, I needed to quiet those voices. But they became louder and louder. I started drinking down to drown the voices. I did not want to open my eyes to the truth. But the more I drank the easier it was to ignore the voices.

I noticed he lied a lot about weird things. Hidden bank accounts, where he was, what he was doing. Why?? I loved him and trusted him, he didn't need to lie. He was always able to suck me back with gifts and what I viewed as loving gestures.

He would convince me his point of view was normal despite everything yelling inside of me "do not believe him!!" Over time I became desensitized to his inappropriate behavior, somehow thinking I was wrong what I think and believe is wrong. He blamed everything on me and I truly believed I was wrong for 18 years. I always thought I was a mess and he agreed he fueled all of my insecurities. "Every other mother to manage why can't you?"

It got to the point where he did all of the shopping for the family and allot me $25 a week spending money (His salary is above average, he can comfortably pay our $2700 mortgage every month). Then he decided I didn't need any money at all because I would only spend it on alcohol anyway. He wasn't wrong, I would have.

He hated when I drank HIS alcohol so he built a fence inside of our garage so I could not have access to his booze or anything else he doesn't want me to share. It was a great way to keep me out. Sometimes he would come home with a huge bottle of vodka from Sam's Club for me and other times he would tell me I drink too much and cut me off. This back and forth would happen multiple times in a month leaving me confused, scared and vulnerable.

I had to be sneaky and frugal to get my vodka and hide it in the house. Since I had no sense of self I had to believe him. I believed I loved him and I thought I was lucky to have him because of how crazy I am. I have lost my self identity, self esteem and self worth. I let him isolate me from my family. My family saw the man behind the mask and he was threatened by that. I further isolated myself because I was always drinking. I use adderall to wake up, clean and do the Mom thing but that was never good enough for him either.

Then you finally did something, you went to a psychiatrist who told you you're not crazy you are depressed, you have an anxiety disorder, and suffer from PTSD. I never knew who he was until she finally told me. He may be a narcissist.

WHAT??

My entire world changed at that moment. I wasn't to blame for everything that went wrong in our marriage and raising our children. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't a mess.

At that point my drinking accelerated as did my adderall abuse. I knew I had to leave, but we still have our 16 year old to raise. I don't want to leave her. I would want her to stay in the home she is familiar with, plus he doesn't abuse her. Maybe she needs to see that her mother is strong enough to leave an abusive relationship OR maybe it will cause her irreparable damage.

Luckily, my husbands medical insurance pays for me to get the help I need. I am far away from home at Hope by the Sea for the next 90 days or so, an inpatient substance abuse facility to get clean and sober. That seems like the easy part; get clean and sober.

Now the work begins. Day 4

Be CAREFUL what you WISH for

Today is day 3 at Hope by the Sea. I am in a substance abuse facility for alcohol and adderall abuse. I drank 1/5 of Vodka a day and 150mg of adderall. Suffice it to say I needed some help.

Yesterday, the last thing I shared with my group is that "I wish someone would tell me what I should do!" What I am referring to the decision I will have to make. Should I stay with my husband or should I leave? I really don't want to leave but as you continue to read my blog I will explain why, just as I discover it for myself.

During meditation this morning I pulled card #14 in reverse

#14 - Caring Connections

Friendship, Partnership of Two, Possible Love

This card reversed signals a break in communication or a parting of the ways for two people. Whether romantic, social, or business, the present connection seems to be at (or close to) and end. If this is the case, consider what healthy action needs to be taken to move on. As difficult as a parting may be, it can often lead to bigger and better things.

Keep in mind both the logistical and emotional aspects of leaving this connection behind. Make plans; vent your feelings. Always remember, with every ending, an new beginning is at hand.

Affirmation

I open my heart and life to truly caring connections.
The ideal friend and partner is coming to me now.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR