Dearest me,
I love you, I know sometimes you don't feel like I do, but I truly love you.
I love you, I know sometimes you don't feel like I do, but I truly love you.
I don't want you to feel guilty or stupid because you didn't know what he was doing for 18 years. You thought you were always wrong because of mistakes you had made. You trusted his judgement because you could not trust your own.
Please forgive yourself for turning a blind eye to the emotional abuse inflicted on the children. You were his favorite victim luckily.
Please forgive yourself for turning a blind eye to the emotional abuse inflicted on the children. You were his favorite victim luckily.
In the beginning you didn't have time to think, reflect, or even question those little red flags. He says he loves you so much and he told me we were soulmates.
Then we married everything he did or said was perfect. It was as if he knew what I needed before I did, but then I gave him everything. Everything without question, empathy, loyalty, and love. ALL of me. All of the good kind parts that I would later regret giving away. BUT, there were quiet voices in my head telling me something was wrong, I needed to quiet those voices. But they became louder and louder. I started drinking down to drown the voices. I did not want to open my eyes to the truth. But the more I drank the easier it was to ignore the voices.
I noticed he lied a lot about weird things. Hidden bank accounts, where he was, what he was doing. Why?? I loved him and trusted him, he didn't need to lie. He was always able to suck me back with gifts and what I viewed as loving gestures.
He would convince me his point of view was normal despite everything yelling inside of me "do not believe him!!" Over time I became desensitized to his inappropriate behavior, somehow thinking I was wrong what I think and believe is wrong. He blamed everything on me and I truly believed I was wrong for 18 years. I always thought I was a mess and he agreed he fueled all of my insecurities. "Every other mother to manage why can't you?"
It got to the point where he did all of the shopping for the family and allot me $25 a week spending money (His salary is above average, he can comfortably pay our $2700 mortgage every month). Then he decided I didn't need any money at all because I would only spend it on alcohol anyway. He wasn't wrong, I would have.
He hated when I drank HIS alcohol so he built a fence inside of our garage so I could not have access to his booze or anything else he doesn't want me to share. It was a great way to keep me out. Sometimes he would come home with a huge bottle of vodka from Sam's Club for me and other times he would tell me I drink too much and cut me off. This back and forth would happen multiple times in a month leaving me confused, scared and vulnerable.
I had to be sneaky and frugal to get my vodka and hide it in the house. Since I had no sense of self I had to believe him. I believed I loved him and I thought I was lucky to have him because of how crazy I am. I have lost my self identity, self esteem and self worth. I let him isolate me from my family. My family saw the man behind the mask and he was threatened by that. I further isolated myself because I was always drinking. I use adderall to wake up, clean and do the Mom thing but that was never good enough for him either.
Then you finally did something, you went to a psychiatrist who told you you're not crazy you are depressed, you have an anxiety disorder, and suffer from PTSD. I never knew who he was until she finally told me. He may be a narcissist.
WHAT??
My entire world changed at that moment. I wasn't to blame for everything that went wrong in our marriage and raising our children. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't a mess.
At that point my drinking accelerated as did my adderall abuse. I knew I had to leave, but we still have our 16 year old to raise. I don't want to leave her. I would want her to stay in the home she is familiar with, plus he doesn't abuse her. Maybe she needs to see that her mother is strong enough to leave an abusive relationship OR maybe it will cause her irreparable damage.
Luckily, my husbands medical insurance pays for me to get the help I need. I am far away from home at Hope by the Sea for the next 90 days or so, an inpatient substance abuse facility to get clean and sober. That seems like the easy part; get clean and sober.
Now the work begins. Day 4
I noticed he lied a lot about weird things. Hidden bank accounts, where he was, what he was doing. Why?? I loved him and trusted him, he didn't need to lie. He was always able to suck me back with gifts and what I viewed as loving gestures.
He would convince me his point of view was normal despite everything yelling inside of me "do not believe him!!" Over time I became desensitized to his inappropriate behavior, somehow thinking I was wrong what I think and believe is wrong. He blamed everything on me and I truly believed I was wrong for 18 years. I always thought I was a mess and he agreed he fueled all of my insecurities. "Every other mother to manage why can't you?"
It got to the point where he did all of the shopping for the family and allot me $25 a week spending money (His salary is above average, he can comfortably pay our $2700 mortgage every month). Then he decided I didn't need any money at all because I would only spend it on alcohol anyway. He wasn't wrong, I would have.
He hated when I drank HIS alcohol so he built a fence inside of our garage so I could not have access to his booze or anything else he doesn't want me to share. It was a great way to keep me out. Sometimes he would come home with a huge bottle of vodka from Sam's Club for me and other times he would tell me I drink too much and cut me off. This back and forth would happen multiple times in a month leaving me confused, scared and vulnerable.
I had to be sneaky and frugal to get my vodka and hide it in the house. Since I had no sense of self I had to believe him. I believed I loved him and I thought I was lucky to have him because of how crazy I am. I have lost my self identity, self esteem and self worth. I let him isolate me from my family. My family saw the man behind the mask and he was threatened by that. I further isolated myself because I was always drinking. I use adderall to wake up, clean and do the Mom thing but that was never good enough for him either.
Then you finally did something, you went to a psychiatrist who told you you're not crazy you are depressed, you have an anxiety disorder, and suffer from PTSD. I never knew who he was until she finally told me. He may be a narcissist.
WHAT??
My entire world changed at that moment. I wasn't to blame for everything that went wrong in our marriage and raising our children. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't a mess.
At that point my drinking accelerated as did my adderall abuse. I knew I had to leave, but we still have our 16 year old to raise. I don't want to leave her. I would want her to stay in the home she is familiar with, plus he doesn't abuse her. Maybe she needs to see that her mother is strong enough to leave an abusive relationship OR maybe it will cause her irreparable damage.
Luckily, my husbands medical insurance pays for me to get the help I need. I am far away from home at Hope by the Sea for the next 90 days or so, an inpatient substance abuse facility to get clean and sober. That seems like the easy part; get clean and sober.
Now the work begins. Day 4
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